The time now is 1.08am but I couldn't get to sleep. What has been bothering me all along, causing all these insecurities in my life is about to be revealed in about 12 hours' time. My Yr 3 sem 2 results. It may seems no big deal...results only mah..no honours then no honours lor..BUT it means alot to me. Not just for face-sake watsoever, but innocently for my passion to help cancer patients i future by having this critical chance to stay on in sch and learn about life sciences academics with greater depth and vey importantly learn from my idol cancer researcher at ncc. I want so badly to learn..just LEARN.
I've been so saddened by my past experience in life. I wanted so much to find where my faults lie and what regrets I might have, that caused so much agony that I'm experiencing now. But I asked myself, do I ever regretted abandoning my studies for family(dad's incident)? It's a definite NO. Why do I want to put so much responsibility on myself? Why do I want to care about my dying father at home and miss school lessons..jeopardise my exam results again and again? Why do I want to tire myself with so many tuitions for that little money for school fees? WHY? There's no why, i realise, that is my life, my responsibility.
It is this feeling inside me that is not regret but a sorrowness that I can't exactly tell. There is no one I can exactly talk to, no one who can fully understand how I feel, cause they were never in my shoes, and of course I wish they will never have to experience the pain and agony in life that I've went through before(and living in the ghost of the past now)..coz it's just too painful..very painful..it hurts so much I wanna grumble to my besties..i did but it wasn;t fulfilling pouring out my sorrows to them. They had never experience what I've been through, though I've to thank them for encouraging words at times...but such words I've personally said umpteen times to myself to spurt myself on my continuity in perserving...but ultimately, what will be the outcome of me?
I've no more time left. I've just about 20+ years or so to work on a way to help cancer patients before I myself die of cancer in my 40s. There is just so little time for me to work. So little money that I have to continue my studies. Who can help me? Dad's dead, I can't expect mum to pay for my studies. How long will I take to be what I want to be ultimately? How long can the very people whom I wanna help wait for me? There is just so little time. Sometimes, I feel it would be so good if I can just die without anyone knowing or feeling sad about my demise. RESPONSIBILITY becomes such a harsh burden to my life. RESPONSIBILITY for my "possible" future patients, RESPONSIBILITY for my family, RESPONSIBILITY to be alive and take care of mum. When can I ever shed off this RESPONSIBILITY?