“输”并不是一个句号。它是另一个奋斗的开始。只要活着的一天坚持奋斗，有着强大无以打倒的意志力，就算还是失败，却赢了尽力，道义和尊严。

为什么我一直坚持要再留下一年呢？是我太任性，不自量力吗？还是一种责任感，一个坚持 --- 为了完成未了的心愿？我相信以我的坚持努力奋斗的精神，总有一天我一定能找到治疗癌症的解决方案。但命运的捉弄往往让我招不架住，想要平凡地，单纯地读书，增广见闻，让自己以后能更有效地研究癌症，更快帮住那些像爸爸一样受尽病魔折磨的病人，让他们能早日脱离苦海。我是多么地希望爸爸还活着，让我能帮助他解决癌症的困扰。但爸爸已往生了。我真的只是自私地为了完成未了的心原，而假装自己对生物研究的热爱吗？只是这样吗？我问自己，在这个世界上，除了癌症的生物研究，还有什么是值得我活着，一次又一次地遇到挫折，一次又一次地被逼挖开旧伤，往伤口上撒盐，但仍然坚持努力奋斗，仍然抱着一丝希望？就只有它。
多少的痛哭流啼，多少的感叹这世间的不公平。。。让我的人生有如戏剧般的奋斗史soap opera。没有人能够完全地了解我的辛苦，我对癌症研究的热忠。努力过了，失败过了，也哭过了。。。我累了。。。但就这样放弃吗？不行，我不能放弃，也不要放弃。癌症那被刀刺般的痛，爸爸都努力地坚持忍到最后了。爸爸的坚持，爸爸的努力，爸爸的期盼。。。都是我的了。不要放弃。伤口就算多痛，也不可以放弃。别人看不见我的努力，我的potential, 我就要证明给他们看。

我是曾经被残除的杂草，但我还要/能重生，我一定行的。我就做那恶性的肿瘤，recur and recur。

The time now is 1.08am but I couldn't get to sleep. What has been bothering me all along, causing all these insecurities in my life is about to be revealed in about 12 hours' time. My Yr 3 sem 2 results. It may seems no big deal...results only mah..no honours then no honours lor..BUT it means alot to me. Not just for face-sake watsoever, but innocently for my passion to help cancer patients i future by having this critical chance to stay on in sch and learn about life sciences academics with greater depth and vey importantly learn from my idol cancer researcher at ncc. I want so badly to learn..just LEARN.

I've been so saddened by my past experience in life. I wanted so much to find where my faults lie and what regrets I might have, that caused so much agony that I'm experiencing now. But I asked myself, do I ever regretted abandoning my studies for family(dad's incident)? It's a definite NO. Why do I want to put so much responsibility on myself? Why do I want to care about my dying father at home and miss school lessons..jeopardise my exam results again and again? Why do I want to tire myself with so many tuitions for that little money for school fees? WHY? There's no why, i realise, that is my life, my responsibility.

It is this feeling inside me that is not regret but a sorrowness that I can't exactly tell. There is no one I can exactly talk to, no one who can fully understand how I feel, cause they were never in my shoes, and of course I wish they will never have to experience the pain and agony in life that I've went through before(and living in the ghost of the past now)..coz it's just too painful..very painful..it hurts so much I wanna grumble to my besties..i did but it wasn;t fulfilling pouring out my sorrows to them. They had never experience what I've been through, though I've to thank them for encouraging words at times...but such words I've personally said umpteen times to myself to spurt myself on my continuity in perserving...but ultimately, what will be the outcome of me?

I've no more time left. I've just about 20+ years or so to work on a way to help cancer patients before I myself die of cancer in my 40s. There is just so little time for me to work. So little money that I have to continue my studies. Who can help me? Dad's dead, I can't expect mum to pay for my studies. How long will I take to be what I want to be ultimately? How long can the very people whom I wanna help wait for me? There is just so little time. Sometimes, I feel it would be so good if I can just die without anyone knowing or feeling sad about my demise. RESPONSIBILITY becomes such a harsh burden to my life. RESPONSIBILITY for my "possible" future patients, RESPONSIBILITY for my family, RESPONSIBILITY to be alive and take care of mum. When can I ever shed off this RESPONSIBILITY?

Ay...die Prüfung ist kommend...Ich habe sehr Angst...ich kann übertreffen wirklich wünsche...
Ich wünsche kann mein Vater segne und helfe mich...=)Ich wille Studieren streben...

Meine Onkologin Traumberuf...hier ich komme!!!

A workaholic can never get a well-deserved day of rest even during her school holiday...

If I can never get a time to rest well..so might as well enjoy working hard bah..hehez..a bit siao i noe..

Anyway, first monday of my 1 week break was half-day spent in plant lab, trying to dissect the cauliflowers that I've grown in the mini-vessels. So what you see of these cauliflowers now are their last photo before their "demise"=P


Hehez...originally only less than 1cm small section from the cauliflower(pre-flower stage) that we eat..now develop vegetative shoots and grown into a plant..too bad doom to sacrifice for science....


And of course experiments can never be totally successful especially when microbes love to cause trouble...pic left is fungal infection and pic right is bacteria infection...

Say goodbye to Cauli before her "operation"...

Starting school was rather like a holiday for me. I had only 2 days of school for the first week..free days for me to recuperate my health...hope I'll be fine soon..especially since nike run is coming and I haven't been practising often for it..this morning run had to give up halfway coz I was still feeling breatheless as usual.Cham. Cham mali cham.

Went shop with dj at orchard..long time since I've free time to shop whole day. Bought a pair of jeans, bohemian bracelet, black tube for myself =)also collected the coach bag and my vs vanilla lace body mist that dj helped me buy in LA..the coach bag cost me a bomb...but i'm glad I can get mum a genuine coach bag a cheaper price so she can carry when she meets her sisters. Maybe I'm sensitive or what..I just didn't like her sisters to compare their coach bags with each other everytime they have a gathering...while my mum looks at them in envy as she wouldn't bear to spend money on expensive bags. I sometimes feel really sorry for my mum. She lost so many things in life, but still staying strong. I feel I should take really good care of her on behalf of Dad, give her things that make her really happy and less inferior compared to others..it maybe abit materialistic to make her happy with an expensive bag..but looking at the smile on her face..I'm contented.

Went food hunt with dj and jy today. Went katong to eat the famous laksa,had wanted to eat nice tau huey from a korean restaurant and char kuay teow...closed/not selling anymore...=( Then we didn't know what else to eat..so sianz...so went to old airport road to find food since I dunno which street/road to go to in joo chiat and geylang to find nice food..the food at old airport road are rather disappointing...not as good as last time...so the day ended rather dull..but nvm...it will be better next time when we source how to go geylang and joo chiat makan places!

Time really flies~

I'm yr 3 already! About 1-2 more years to go..really hope I can get into Hons year then get into grad med sch...will double my turbo! Be even more chao mugger! Oncologist dream..here I come! Cancer patients wait for me!!!

My 3 month holiday was very well-spent in securing 2 short internships that I really learnt alot from and make my portfolio a whole lot better now =) Though very tired..that I even fell sick coz of fatigue from overworking, it's a good sacrifice, after all, my sacrifice of playtime etc. is nothing compared to the pain and sufferings of cancer patients.

My timetable this sem is really nicely planned with no long breaks in between. Just school then home....rather dull but it's time to focus and stop all the ccas stuff I've really done alot in the past. Nevertheless, I just started volunteering at hca, the major hospice care centre for cancer patients. Dad was under their home care before,had wanted to let him go day care to take part in their activities, but the home business was on his mind so he wanted to stay home to jatga and apparently his paralysis was too troublesome for him to leave the house.=( But I'm now there on his behalf. Most of them there are old people who I can practise my hokkien, teochew, cantonese with..hahaz..dialect-pro now...only got 3-4 rather young patients. One of them is as old as dad...limped...I dunno why..maybe because of cancer...feel so sad for him..."He still has a long way to go"said one of the old patients. With responsibilities, comes true courage to live on...there was this lady whose breast cancer metastases to her brain..she talks breathelessly..and apparently has been with the disease for 10 over years...cured then come back again, cured then come back again. It's a never-ending pain but she still worked when she was sick, just like Dad, as her husband died young and she had to support her children. Truely remarkable. Really wonder why this world must have such a horrible disease. To test people's patience and love for each other? Yes, Dad's incident makes me stronger with drive and passion in helping cancer patients in future, but to lose such a dear person in my life so as to become a better person, it's a really painful sacrifice to make.

Today I suddenly feel so tired...not physically but mentally..
Sometimes I feel I'm very kiam pa..always making myself so busy with alot committments...am I really happy?
Yes, I'll be at an advantage over the others with 2 internships within a 3 mths summer break..but..my energy is really draining away frm me..
Superwoman, wonder woman? There's always a limit...today i feel it...i'm tired, mentally.
But for dad's sake, I hope i'll continue to strive and bring myself closer to my dream.

Lab was fun ytd doin PCR..actually it's a relatively easy procedure to do. I also managed to go for my experimental mod lect..at last! As the past few lect i either gt driving test or other stuff on...

Hehez.I passed my driving test last last week. So happy lor. I really tink my skill not very gd bt still managed to pass...muz b dad blessing me..coz i really prayed so hard to him...when i was doin the test, the tester actually scolded me all the way for not observing safety enuf and I even race the test car against the amber light(coz my instructor uncle used to asked my nt to waste time and juz cross the road b4 red light when amber light is on!)..tis i gt 8 demerit pts =P...hahaz...bt luckily the other mistakes are very minor...only deduct me 6 pts..so in total 8 + 6 = 14 pts...! I was qt shocked coz it's a very gd result if nt for my dangerous crossing at amber light..hahaz..thks dad! =) I tot i had failed and had been prepared to fail b4 the tester said he will pass me..when he said i pass..i was like "orh.."....then i wait for like 1 min later den i realised i pass.."huh, u pass me arh?" so blur lor me...hahaz...totally stunned sia.

Well, aniwae...gt break twice in between my 6hr lab when the PCR is running to go makan at med cafe and visit the sch bazaar...hehez..me n byn bought food stud earrings! I gt myself sushi one..=)..and we ate clapot rice at med cafe...nice! and the auntie is like so nice..give us free soup..and byn was telling me abt mr. brown's show which is so funny..abt the richard gear(?) cause a lot bird shit in india coz he bought all the birds at the market for the indian girl in the visa advert..hahaz..so funny..and also abt the PCR song:

http://bio-rad.cnpg.com/lsca/videos/ScientistsForBetterPCR/


The PCR Song

There was a time when to amplify DNA,
You had to grow tons and tons of tiny cells.
Then along came a guy named Dr. Kary Mullis,
Said you can amplify in vitro just as well.
Just mix your template with a buffer and some primers,
Nucleotides and polymerases, too.
Denaturing, annealing, and extending.
Well it’s amazing what heating and cooling and heating will do.
PCR, when you need to detect mutations.
PCR, when you need to recombine.
PCR, when you need to find out who the daddy is.
PCR, when you need to solve a crime.
(repeat chorus)

Woah..amazing sia.